Sunday, May 26, 2013

Just the Two of Us

I'm a single mom. I have been my daughter's entire life. I did have a man I considered my husband, but we never legally married, and he was not my daughter's father. He's also the last man I had a relationship with, and that was in 1996. I miss him daily, but I love life, and most of all I love that it's just the two of us - just Ashlee & myself...and our furry children. <3 p="">I had Ashlee when I was 22. I knew I was going into motherhood, and the parent dome alone. I had my folks there, and they helped a lot. I am so grateful for them being such a big part of her life. I honestly, do not know what I would have done without them being so involved. My dad was a strong and influential male role model in her life. My mom was such a loving, kind, and wonderfully strong additional female influence for her. My mom taught me to be an independent, strong, out spoken, and true lady, which I in turn taught my own daughter.
The early years of school for my daughter was not a great place. It was a place where she was taught by a tyrannical private school to ignore herself, and do for others, and was taught "you'll never be good enough, rich enough, or pretty enough" to fit in. So, when she came home I reinforced independence, and tried to convince her that she was incredible, smart, beautiful, and wonderful. Basically, I tried to undo all the bullshit that school "taught." I still feel I failed her here. I wish I had never put her in the school. It's the only thing I regret in life. But, I digress.

In the middle of her sixth grade I pulled her out of the school after she fell down the stairs in school, but they didn't call me until the end of the day to tell me she fell first thing in the morning. I have never wanted to beat the shit out of so many people in all my life. Instead, I simply pulled her out of the school. It was the last straw. With years of issues with the school, I was done. So, I took the money I was giving them and walked away.

My mom stepped up to the plate with me and helped me teach her for the next four years. Her Junior year she went into public school, not a great choice, but I wanted her to have better chance with college, and to go to the prom. She graduated having been on the A, A-B honor rolls since she started. The thing about her school life is that it sucked, and sucked hard core. People picked on her, mostly at the "wonderful" private school, or made fun of her and her height. In the fifth grade she was almost six feet tall. So, mean little rich brats would pick on her. Instead of punching the shit out of the snobby shits, she would tell them that "Yes, in fact, she was a FREAK!" I taught her to be proud that she's tall. I told her the next time someone called her a "freak" to look at them and say, "you say freak like it's a bad thing!?!", then walk away smiling. She learned quickly that her life was going to be different, and how to embrace it.
It was from early on that she showed her different side, I have a feeling now that she should have been tested for autism. She didn't talk very much until after she was two. Sure, she spoke, but not a lot. There were other things, but that was the one of the main things. There was also the desire not to be with people her age. She usually wanted to be with me, her grandparents and her great grandparents. She is still this way, minus the grandparents. She's my very best friend. We do almost every single thing together. People tell us all the time that we are holding one or the other back from something awesome happening in our lives. Well, we come from the belief system that if it's meant to happen - it will happen. So, people shut up about it.

My point with all of this is, my daughter is not your normal almost 25 year old woman. She's independent, speaks her mind, cusses, can cook like a chef, hates to clean, can make me laugh like no one else, is incredibly talented and creative, is actually a better photographer than I am, has the biggest and softest heart of anyone I've ever known, will give you her last anything if  you need it, loves the word "sorry", makes a mean batch of salsa, still not comfortable in her own skin, still awkward around humans other than me and her grandparents, knows more random stuff than I do, loves sweet tea, enjoys to travel, one of the best planners I've ever known, has amazing navigation skills, and no, not everyone "gets" her. What I hate is that people don't give her a real chance. They meet us, and I'm super happy, bubbly, loving and very mothering so they'll focus on me and not get to know her. Yes, I am that kind of person, I don't do it on purpose - it is just who I am. I'm "that" happy person. Ashlee, is reserved until she knows you, and even then she won't really let you in - usually because you treated her this way in the beginning. She never forgets how someone treated her or anyone when they first meet, and the next few meetings after that in fact.

See, we have friends that we go places with that when they talk to us - they talk to me. I notice it. Ashlee really notices it. We are both aware that the person talks to me the most, and will actually disregard what she says when she talks at all. Again, yes I'm aware they do this, and if they would pay attention they would notice I say something to them every single time about it, but they ignore it. We have two friends that didn't ever do this to her - one passed away in 2009, and the other now lives in Idaho.

So, my issue is this - if people really believe one or the other is holding one or the other back, then be a better friend to her. Get to KNOW her. I'm the only person on this planet that knows what an incredible, funny, loving, caring, hilarious, beautiful, and tough woman she is. If you would just give her a moment of time, you'd be surprised how incredible she really is. Otherwise, I get all this incredibleness to myself. I'm okay with that, but you're missing out.

I like it just the two of us, and to put simply - you're just jealous. Don't put your insecurities, misunderstandings, and judgement onto us. We're just fine, just the two of us.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Life, changes, dreams, and desires

Life is moving so quickly, and wonderfully. I'm so happy here in Europe. I know in my heart and soul I'm happy! Truly happy! So, I put in for a few jobs recently. One with my own Unit, and the one I truly want - BADLY. To the point I've claimed it as my job. I've told the Universe it IS mine. So, the others I've applied to are interesting, and wonderful as well. One in K-Town, one in Tampa, FL, and one in DC. It's hard, but I know I'll go where I'm meant to be. So, I'm not the only one with all this life changing stuff. Nope!
Ashlee (ThimbleFairy88) began her own business on Etsy making & selling jewelery, and other vintage finds in her store: Vintage Flair The items are wonderful, and truly vintage. The keys she found here in Germany and some date back to the early 1900's and late 1800's. She also has a few from France, and Italy. She'll have vintage aprons and other items soon. Her necklaces, earrings, and steampunk items are wonderful. Go check her out. I hope you'll find something you love at Vintage Flair.
My friend in England Nikki also has a new business starting on Facebook. You can find her in her little shop called Hook, Hand and Heart. Nikki, makes wonderful crocheted goddesses and gods. Go check them out. They're fantastic.

I'll be working on getting some of my photography up soon as well. I'll let you know when I do.
Have a great day. Just enjoy life, and never stop until you're soul is happy!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Lemony Pesto Hummus

I love hummus. I like trying it in any form, it's delicious. I've never made it myself. But, I know I'll be making it more in the future. The possibilities are truly endless. I'll be trying more and more. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is how many calories there are in one 1/4 cup serving, about 280! It's just so high. Also for me as a diabetic the carbs are high as well. So, I'll be seeking more vegetarian foods that are lowere in carbs.

Lemony Pesto Hummus
Delicious and quick snack that's nuturious and yummy.                     
Number of Servings: 4
Serve with chips, tortilla chips, celery, slices of peppers - the ideas are endless. Just enjoy. It's full of potassium and vitamin B6

1 Can Chickpeas (garbanzo beans) (about 2 cups)
Juce of 1 Lemon about 1/4 Cup
Truffle Oil 1/4 cup
2 Tablespoons Garlic powder
1 Tablespoon Pesto seasoning
1 teaspoon of Sea Salt

No cooking! :D
Open the can of chickpeas. Rinse them. Pour them into a blender, (or if you're lucky enough a food processor).
Cut lemon in half & squeeze the juice into the blender.
1/4 Cup of truffle oil over the chickpeas and lemon in the blender.
Add in garlic powder, pesto seasoning, and sea salt.
Blend until it's pasty looking.
Spoon out into a bowl & enjoy with your friends or family.

Hummus is great to enjoy, and it's so versatile.

Serving Size: Makes about 1/4 Cup Serving Sizes
Number of Servings: 4

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Snickerdoodles Like Mom Used to Make

 Snickerdoodles - the one cookie that reminds me of home. I smell them, I see photos of them, or if a friend makes them I miss my Mom within a milisecond. My Mom made the best Snickerdoodles in all the Universe. No, seriously! She really did. I know she used the recipe from her grandma, and I'm pretty sure it was the same I found today because they taste EXACTLY the same. I was so happy to open my cookbook and see the recipe that we had used when I was a kid. I remember being in the kitchen with Mom during the holidays and baking Snickerdoodles. They were amazing straight from the oven, and even better a day or two (if they made it that long) later.

So, since I'm so far from my Mom I had to bring some home into our home this Christmas. So, I did. I put as much love into mine, as she did her's. The only thing missing were my Mom & Dad to enjoy them with. But, I got to take some out of the oven while I was on the phone with them and bite into it. Flashing back to my childhood and giggling with my family during the holidays.

I miss you Mom & Dad. I try to recreate all the love and togetherness we had growing up. I hope you'll get to visit sometime. Until then, I'll bring you into our lives in the things we do.

Here's the recipe I used to make the delicious cookies from Betty Crocker's cookbook.


Heat oven to 400ºF.

Makes about four dozen

1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
Used for the dough to be rolled in:
1/4 cup sugar (4 tablespoons)
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Mix 1 1/2 cups sugar, the butter, shortening and eggs in large bowl. Stir in flour, cream of tartar, baking soda and salt. Shape dough into 1 1/4-inch balls. Mix 1/4 cup sugar and the cinnamon. Roll balls in cinnamon sugar mixture. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased cooking pan.

Cook 8 – 10 minutes or until set

I set the timer for eight minutes, then watch them very closely. The ovens here in Germany do not cook the same as they did back home in America. So, watch for the cookies just begin to form cracks and thier color is a light brown, and remove them. Cool them on the cookie sheet about 2 minutes then remove to rack to cool completely. Then eat & enjoy. Grab a cold glass of milk and eat!

There are a ton of recipes for Snickerdoodle's online, but trust me - this one is the real one. These are just like the ones I had from 1970-something until I left Texas in 2010.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

List of delicious love

They seem to be everywhere of late. I am fascinated by them. I’m doing them more often, and having fun. I make them mentally, or do a more artistic journal rendition of them. Any way I’m doing them, and I’m loving it.

So, my lists of foods I’ve discovered and love is as follows:

Acorn squash! Oh, the things you can make with this delicious beautiful squash.

Butternut squash! There are so many things to can make with this fantastic fun shaped squash, or even better roast it, grab a spoon and just dig in as is. OMG! *drooling*

Black beans! Yes, you fantastic little legume I do love you so. You are full of deliciousness, and protein. You allow me to enjoy my life and not miss meat so much. Oh, the affair shall last forever. I eat you whole or can mash you up into a wonderful little dip. I know we met a few years ago, but you are back in my life to stay now.

Amy’s vegetarian frozen meals! Okay, I’d rather cook my own food, but when I’m beat, or my FMS has me beat, I can run to the store and grab one of the delectable little meals and just pop it into the microwave and enjoy the wonderful meal without the guilt of running out and buying meat. Amy dear Amy, you have made me realize that it’s not about meat or vegetarian meals. No! It’s about the flavor you can put into your meals. Thank you Amy! Thank you!

There are so many more vegetables and fruits I’ve discovered lately. I am excited about this new, rebirth, of this lifestyle for me. But I believe my last food to list for now has to be. . .

Chickpeas or garbanzo beans! Oh, like the black bean you are fan-freaking-tastic so many ways. I can sit down with a sliced veggie and just go to town. I’m so happy. I do love you. I love you with garlic. I love you with a bit of thyme and olive oil. Oh, I love you just about any way you can imagine.

I used to dread the idea of not being able to eat meat. Not so any longer.

I find so many wonderful recipes and come up with so many things to make. I have to be honest here though. I woke up today thinking about my family’s chicken & dumpling recipe. I began to fret. I mean – HELLO! It has chicken in it, and I do NOT eat that any longer. BLECH! So, I thought – okay, I can have some vegetarian chicken formed thing. Then, I began to gag – NO! So, I thought well, make it just without the meat, just have dumplings. HAHAHAHA No. That’s not healthy either. So, I figured I’ll just find something to create, something that will still be the ladies in my family, but me as well. So, my new quest is to create a vegetarian meal like chicken and dumplings, something that even my grandchildren will love. (When I have them – I’m in NO rush!)

Life is all about change. At least for this lady it is. I embrace change. I probably welcome it more than some do. I can’t seem to stay in one place for more than three years at a time before I begin to get itchy feet…but this is for another blog. Today, it’s all about the fun of lists and the wonderful foods I’m rediscovering.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dee's Potato, Leek and Cilantro Soup

Life for me is better being meat free. Again, I'm not doing this for any political reasons, or anything other than my body cannot handle the meat any longer. I just don't feel good, physically, after I eat meat anymore.

So, I have meat behind. I feel so much better. My body is thanking me by making my moods elevate again. It's been so long since I've been happy & I was truly dreading winter with the lack of sun. However, it's been a complete turn of attitude and mood & I am thrilled! I am happy again for the first time in almost nine months!

So, I made this yummy soup. I know it look super greasy, but it's really not. It only has two tablespoons of truffle oil.

Delicious, flavorful soup that is super simple to make for two or more. Great to make ahead and have leftovers during the week for lunch or dinner for the busy single, or couple.

I hope you'll try my soup. It's simple and delicious. I LOVE soup! I told my daughter a while back, if I ever opened a restaurant I'd open a soup place. I found one in Luxembourg, that I will be going back to try too.

Dee's Potato, Leek & Cilantro Soup

Six 1-Cup Servings


1 Leek, chopped

2 Potatoes

1 Bunch of Cilantro

3 Cloves of Garlic (Yes! I LOVE garlic.)

2 Tablespoons EVOO or Truffle Oil (which is what I used)

16 Oz of Vegetable broth

1 Can of Coconut Milk

2 Cans of Water

Exact amounts:
Leeks, 1 cup
Potato, raw, 2 medium (2-1/4" to 3-1/4" dia.)
Garlic, 3 clove
Cilantro, raw, 3 tbsp
Olive Oil, 2 tbsp
Coconut Milk, 1.25 cup
Vegetable Broth, 2 cup
Water, tap, 26 fl oz

Slice up the leek. Chop the potatoes into chunks. I made mine bite size. Dice up the cilantro and two cloves of garlic.

Put one table spoon of oil into a pot. (I like to cook my food in the pot I'm going to make the soup in, it's just less mess!) Put in the sliced leeks, and chopped potatoes and cilantro and two cloves of garlic.

In a saute pan put the other tablespoon of oil and the remaining diced garlic clove. (I used the largest clove of garlic I had for this piece.) Sauté for about five minutes, or less depending on your taste. Stir occasionally.

While your clove of garlic is sautéing, begin to prepare the soup by adding your vegetable broth, coconut milk, and two cans of water to the pot with your leeks, potatoes, and cilantro. Cook on low-medium heat for about 25 minutes. Stir occasionally.

Add more veggies if you'd like it chunkier. I just love creating recipes, and I'd love to hear other's additions and changes.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Family of Friends

This little odd montage of trees are some I photographed on the way back from Amsterdam. You know what a tree hugger I am. (Yes, literally in many cases.)
I know I'm odd. I admit it. This is proof. This is how my odd little mind works.
See, I was completely taken by these three trees. So, I photographed them individually, knowing I was going to do this with them. I just loved them. They were each unique and beautiful, but I wanted them together to show their different unique style. Kind of like the people in my life. You are all together in my heart, but very unique & different & that's what I love about you all.
I love my family of friends.
Just like things that grow on the earth some things are planted by things that float into the area. Well, each of you in my life are here and are incredibly beautiful, unique and planted for a purpose.
Sometimes one needs more than the other, and that's what I value in relationships. Thank you for being a part of my life.
I love you.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Dee's Lemon Garlic & Paprika Peppered Pasta

Dee's Lemon Garlic and Paprika Peppered Pasta

8 oz of Angel Hair Pasta
1 Lemon
2 Cloves of Garlic
2 Tbsp Oil (I used black truffle oil)
2 tsp Paprika
3 tsp Lemon Garlic Pepper
Few "spritzes" of butter/margarine spray
Cook Angel Hair pasta according to the packaging. Drain & set aside, spritz a few times with butter/margarine spray & toss.

Smash your garlic clove(s), (I LOVE garlic, so I actually used two very large cloves), and dice into small pieces.

Put two tablespoons of oil, (I used black truffle oil), into skillet and mix in the diced garlic. Cook for a couple of minutes until the garlic is thoroughly integrated into the oil. I cooked mine until the garlic was a light brown consistency.

Place pasta into a bowl, pour oil & garlic mixture over the top and mix thoroughly. Take your lemon cut in half and squeeze generously over your pasta. Sprinkle your paprika and lemon garlic pepper over the mixed pasta and stir/mix again.

Makes probably four portions, but I think it was two healthy portions. You could easily serve it with a salad and veggies and have the four serving sizes.

It's a light delicious meal, with a different flavor. I get sick of the same ole tomato flavor, or super creamy pasta meal. I like the light flavor of this meal.

This meal was inspired from my food board. Follow me, I'm Nikongoddess on

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Do you realize it’s all a lie?
Do you know it has all gone by?
Do you even know that I can go?
For tomorrow I just don’t know.
Today is a thing of the past.
I know tomorrow won’t last.
The future is just so slow.
Hope is all I know.

Monday, October 17, 2011

My geekier side of life

I can't express enough how much I do love the geeky side of life. I enjoy finding new techie (or is it techy?) stuff they've come up with, and things you can do with said new things. I want to run out and buy the stuff and try it - RIGHT THEN. Reality, I can't alwas afford it, nor can I competely grasp the stuff. So, I merely sit back and watch my Geek friends and family go all goo-goo-ga-ga over the stuff. I admire their knowledge and comprehension of how things work. I wonder when I stopped trying to TRY new things. I sit back and ponder. Then, I snap out of it, grab the new fandangled thing and give it a go.

This past Friday, I was one of the first 1 million people to get the new iPhone 4S. I had my 3G for almost two years. I held out. I wanted the new "5." Well, that's not what came out. What came out was a ramped up verision of the iPhone 4. What sucked is that everyone with that phone could now upgrade theirs to basically be the same. Okay, yes - the new 4S has a newer & more powerful processor, better antenna's, and the camera rocks my world - and that they canNOT get unless they too upgrade. But, is it worth it? YES! YES IT IS! *giggle* I LOVE my new phone. I waited and waited for it. I deserve it. I work hard, and I love my job. So, to have the new little thing makes me squee with delight. Did I talk with Siri? Yes, yes we had a conversation. She doesn't know as much as she claims in the commercials, but she's learning. The main thing I dislike about her is her lack of knowledge of Europe. It's frustrating. Okay, Apple - you're willing to sell the phone here - for the same price, or MORE than what it costs back in the good 'ole US of A, but you don't load maps of Europe on? Are you ignorant? Take a small gander at the internet usage of the world - yes the US of A is #2, BUT the rest of the world (must larger than the US, in case you were unaware) uses the internet too. I don't necessarily want or need suggestions of places to eat, but I would like to access my maps. Thank goodness for Google!

Other geek stuff - I LOVE vinyl toys. I'm not talking about those you have "intimate" knowledge of. I'm talking about toys, the little plastic things you play with or just sit on the shelf, as in my case. I have loads of them, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I see new ones I want all the time. This is sort of where my geek and my Disney freak combine. I really enjoy my Mickey vinyl toys. They come in all sorts and sizes. I also have an unhealthy obesssion with Treeson's and Monskey's. I have more Monskey's than Treeson's but I need...okay, I want more. I also combine my kitchen witchery with my geek side. I love new kitchen gadgets. I can't get enough of them. I swoon over the newest design of one thing or another. However, the fact that the kitchen is not the biggest room in the house, I am choosy on what I buy. Oh, but that does not stop me on swooning! The fact is my geek side influences my other sides often. My photographer fights to win most battles, but when the geek world clashes with my photographer world - photographer world wins everytime. It does welcome the geek side though. It's sort of the dark side of my photography side.

I want more and more of the nerdy geeky stuff to use and shoot with - lately it's been the simpler side. After all isn't that what being a geek is all about - making things simpler?

Friday, September 2, 2011

Shut UP

Yes! I said it. Shut the hell up! I'm going to piss of a whole bunch of people with this posting, but I'm so sick of this I have to say something. So, here goes. As you know I'm an American stationed in Germany as a Civilian. I live next door, in row houses, to another Ami (this is how the German's "lovingly" refer to us). Well, this Ami (because they truly FIT this derogatory term), is a typical Ami! He's LOUD, obnoxious, rude and just all around BLECH! Here's the main thing though - he married a woman that had a kid. Okay, that's not bad & I'm not knocking that, what I am knocking is her pathetic excuse at parenting. Their form of dispiline is SCREAMING at this little brat. Here's the thing - Germany is quiet. I mean really wonderfully quiet and peaceful. I LOVE it here because of that. I have a bit of an issue with loud noises. So, Germany suits my soul. Back to the Ami's - Well, I was sitting outside with my puppies and German Shepherd watching them play for a bit when out walks the sergeant all lound and singing "Rehab" at the top of his voice and loudly announcing someone named Tyler, over and over. Well, I scoop up the puppies and call Logan (the German Shepherd) into the house. As I do not like these people and I do not want to be associated with them and their loud behavior - because it is ALWAYS LOUD! Here's the thing - their little "darlin'" shreaks at the top of her lungs for as long as she can if she is told NO by step-daddy. It is a miracle in itself if mommy ever says anything, but when she does it's screaming and yelling, normally started off with "NO!" So, this starts the kid screaming again. Well, apparently the little friend "Tyler" is about the other child's age. Oh, joy two three year olds in the back yard (very tiny back yard) in a set of row houses, and now they are shreaking and screaming as loud as they can. No laughter, just screaming. Why is this considered cute? Why is this okay? Not just here, but in life? Why don't some people NOT have children? Oh, wait - step daddy just came outside and told her no about something, not sure what - maybe they weren't sharing something properly - all I know is there was suddenly a piercing sonic scream that lasted a full 45 seconds. YES! I timed it. OMG I want to throttle this child. No, wait I want to throttle the parent and the step-parent. People, your child is NOT cute when it is screaming or shouting. Teach your children to use a normal level voice at all times. I KNOW it has everything to do with how the parent(s) talk/scream at the child. I mean they are nothing but little tiny sponges that soak up all the behavior we put in front of them - right? RIGHT! Well, my suggestion - take child development classes. LEARN how your child, and everybody elses child, will be developing in life. I did this because I wanted to raise my daughter right. Okay, sure you're asking if my daughter EVER screamed or shreaked when she was little. I can tell you with 100% honesty - NO! Not only NO, but HELL NO! Again, I have a bit of an issue with loud noises. So, my daughter did not shreak. She giggled, she laughed, she even gafawed, but she did not have any reason to shreak or scream at the top of her lungs. Wait, this may be wrong - there was this one time when we were listening to 99.5 KISS FM back in San Antonio, and she was in the third grade on the way to her christian school (another whole joke and story for another time), but they used to have what was called the "primal scream" in the morning. You know to get out all your frustrations and make sure you start the day off right. Well, for the fun of it we did it one time - here's the thing though - we were inside my car with the windows rolled up and the AC on, driving down the highway. (We lived in Texas, of course the windows were rolled up and the AC was on!) But, that is the ONLY time I remember Ashlee EVER being allowed to scream. It was fun. We ran out of breath and laughed. This child next door - she's just as obnoxious as her loud obnoxious step-father and mother. It is truly tacky to allow your children to scream or throw tantrums. Sure, tantrums are a part of life, but do you have to allow them to go on & on? People, try to remember who the parent is, and who the one RAISING the child is. The one that is supposed to set an example. Yes, that would be the one that gave birth and is raising them, putting clothing on them and food in their bodies. Stop raising little clods. Keep your child at a normal level. I am NOT saying that children should not be heard - my favorite sound in this universe is the sound of a child laughing, but not screaming. So, if you're offended by this - maybe your child is too loud. Have people ever given you "that" look because your kid is acting up? Then do something about it now, while they are young. Wait until they are teens and try to control them - good luck. They've already learned they can push your buttons over & over to get what they want and they win. Be a parent and do what's right. And if you live in Germany - be polite and accept the social rules and refrain from loud noises. Stop making the Germans believe we are truly an uncultured society that doesn't care about anyone but ourselves. Think of others. OMG that felt good to get out. If it offended you - I'm not apologizing. I hate loud, obnoxious, little brats. People that put boundries on their children have the best children. I'm NOT talking about abuse, I'm talking about saying NO and sticking to it. Try it - your children will appreciate it later.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I've recently discovered that I'm growing up. Yes, at 45 I am finally growing up. It's tough. No matter the age. Some, okay most, grow up around 17-21 when they leave home for the first time. Yes, I left home about the same time - sort of. I lived in the same town/city as my folks/family. So, growing up and leaving didn't really happen until 2008, but after two months away the Universe decided I needed to go back to my hometown. So, I did until January 2010. It was then I came back to the one place I wanted to be since 1982. I've been quite happy here. I feel like I'm "home" so to speak. That is until about four months ago when I hit that major depression. Which was a very dark and scary time. I'm not there anymore, but I realized then it was because I was truly growing up. I'm on my own, and learning to really grow up. I'm making serious decisions in life. I'm learning to fly.
I went to Ireland last year. I fell in love with the country, and the people. It wasn't that vacation kind of love - I felt as if I belonged. My friend even commented that she's never met anyone take to Ireland like I had. Well, that still sits in my soul. About four months after we went to Ireland we went to England. I felt very much like I did in Ireland, but not quite the same.
My decisions are weighing on my heart and soul. I believe I know where I belong. Now, how do I get a job in one of the two locations to live out my life? How to I leave my parents behind? I've never had a man that wanted me to be his wife (legally). So, I have nothing else holding me to one place.
Of course I do miss my family & friends back home. But, I only have my parents as far as family is concerned. I know I have a brother, but when he left at 18 he never came back into my life. He's stayed far away and doesn't even know me or my daughter, as I don't know his family either. Mutual seperation I suppose.
The question eats at me. I miss my parents horribly, and my friends as well. All I can say is I believe I know where I belong. I have to try, right? I owe it to me to grow up. Right?
This is scary shit. It's time to grow up. I'm taking the steps to learn how to do it; to learn what I need to do to get where I need to go.
Wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts. Prayers, lit candles and positive thoughts/vibes towards me growing up is VERY appreciated. HUGS!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Stop It

I have a few friends that have identified with the dark place of depression. It appears quite a few friends found themselves in this same dark neighborhood. We tend to beat ourselves up when we are in it. It has a lot to do with the depression and the self hatred - I think it is ugly and horrible vicious cycle of nastiness. That's what I think anyway. I'm no shrink - I just know my own world - VERY WELL.

I'm happy to say that since I told my self to let it go and to learn to love me I've been staying in the light, or light gray part of my world. I know the dark is there - I mean RIGHT there, but I can also see that I can stay in the light and just wave to the dark. I guess you can say flirt with the darkness, or it flirts with me.

I have noticed that we tend to tell ourselves that we are wallowing or rolling around in self pity or self hatred, which of the two I would agree with the later. However, I do not agree with self pity. I'll tell you why. If any one of our friends or loved ones was depressed we would not tell them to "stop feeling sorry for themselves." No, we would comfort them and be there for them. Be a friend, a loved one, or even a lover. We would not be ugly and tell them to "STOP, their stupid whining..."; "Get out and quit feeling sorry for themselves..." No, we would not be so mean, or ugly to them.

So, why are we to ourselves? Who do we think we are to be so cruel to our number one. The one we came into the world as, and the only one that will be with us when the lights go out permantely? No, what we need to do is tell ourselves just exactly what we'd tell someone else - "I LOVE YOU" "I'm here for you" "I won't leave you, talk as long as you need." Create a journal, and allow us to love ourselves. Why is it wrong? Who is the first one to tell us that it is wrong to care about ourselves? Why is it? It's not selfish - it is necessary for us to live, breathe, and function in this world.

So, go out - but first stop by the mirror and tell that amazing person looking back at you that you LOVE that person - and MEAN it!